Loobie Loo's Cavern of Delights

Reality Shows RENAMED

2012-01-09T19:28:00.000-08:00

This is what these shows should be called and what they are REALLY about. You're welcome!

The Bachelor -- "Everything That's Wrong with Society":

A gaggle of loathsome female archtypes use their breast implants to gain the favour of some pathetic slag in order to win a quick annulment and .00009 seconds of pseudo-fame.

Jersey Shore -- "At Least You're Not These Assholes":

A group of human-like apes dressed in club clothing drink hard liquor, rub genitals and throw feces at each other in an attempt to make its viewers thankful for their own ability to distinguish between literature and cuss-words sprayed in piss on the side of a public building.

Kim and Kourtney take New York -- "Who Let These Ninnies Get Famous?":

Two useless twats compete to be the most vacuous female ever born by seeing who can complain more about things people in the third world have never heard of.

Fear Factor -- "Make our Viewers Nauseous":

Based on that scene from Snatch where Brick Top starves a bunch of pigs and then feeds a human corpse to them, the show strives to make viewers barf.

Miami Ink -- "Defy Your Parents":

A group of inky losers prevent others from ever getting 9 to 5 jobs.

Toddlers in Tiaras -- "America's Next Underage Sex Symbol":

Psychotic mothers provide closeted pedophiles free access to legal child pornography.

Pimp My Ride -- "Penis Envy":

A hack rapper helps young men announce to the world that they have abnormally small genitals.

Ghost Hunters -- "Yup... Still No Ghosts":

Experts on the paranormal spend almost a full hour sitting in a rumored haunted house whispering "Did you hear that?" to each other.

So You Think You Can Dance -- "Yes, They Can All Dance":

A group of celebrated dancers no one has ever heard of compliment other, lesser known dancers, until at least two thirds of them shed tears of joy and are never heard from again.

Teen Mom -- "Let's Not Completely Discount Sterilization, KTHXBAI":

Delinquent children rub genitals in order to produce more delinquent children and are shocked to discover that babies are harder than grade eight math.

The Biggest Loser -- "Fat People Sweating":

Obese people work out and lose fat in an attempt to correct irreparable self-confidence issues that caused them to become obese in the first place.

America's Next Top Model -- "America's Next Breakdown":

Skinny people stay skinny in an attempt to correct irreparable self-confidence issues that caused them to seek out Tyra Bank's approval in the first place.

Limericks about Suicide!

2011-04-08T12:34:00.000-07:00

Everyone loves limericks especially really cheerful ones about suicide!

There once was a sad, sad daughter,
Was determined to see her own slaughter,
She got into the tub,
But it wasn't to scrub,
She tried to make toast underwater.

There once was a catholic on lent,
On life too much time he had spent,
Alive was a vice,
It was simply too nice,
His death was his final repent.

There once was a man, was convinced,
His guts he could turn into mince,
Out his insides he thrust,
Baked 'em in a sweet crust,
But he's lost his appetite since.

There once was a girl nick-named Midge,
Whose nose was a great bulbous ridge,
It wasn't preposterous,
They called her "rhinoceros",
So she ended her life off a bridge.

There once was a girl with depression,
Her black thoughts they knew no repression,
She killed herself gladly,
Was ever so sadly,
And her family, they wept in succession.

There once was a girl-- a fat slab,
Couldn't handle the taunts and the jabs,
She died anorexic,
Though you wouldn't suspect it,
Skin and bone under all of her flab.

There once was a girl who went swimming,
Her dress, it had thick chains as trimming,
In her ingot-laced gown,
She was dying to drown,
And with water her lungs are now brimming.

There once was a girl-- never kissed,
She wanted to slash her own wrists,
She severed her tendons,
They just couldn't mend 'em,
And now she can't make any fists.

There once was a girl who OD'd,
From her failures she wished to be freed,
It was kind of ironic,
And a little sardonic,
That at dying, she knew how to succeed.

Stay tuned for my next limerick series about abortion!

What I learned about Love from Romantic Comedies

2011-04-08T12:23:00.000-07:00

Recently I've been on a romantic comedy kick. I like to think of it as professional enrichment, but usually it's just because I need a reason to laugh gormlessly for 90 minutes. And when it's all over, I feel less guilty about my inevitable nightly tears because Jennifer Aniston made me do it.

Congruently, I've been really trying to nail down a solid explanation or understanding of monogamous human love. Obviously, romantic comedies present a very realistic portrayal of love, so in an effort to learn from the big picture, here is what I learned about love from rom-coms.

1. She's Out Of My League: Love is like a stupidly hot girl. Once you have it, you're pretty much over it.

2. When in Rome: Love is like a coin in a stagnant fountain in Italy. It waits, corroding, til some loser who needs another 5 cents for a pack of smokes finds it and picks it up.

3. Funny People: Love it like jokes. They are both pretty ridiculous.

4. Knocked Up: Love is like an abortion. If you throw away love, it's like supporting a pro-choice agenda.

5. The Ugly Truth: Love is like Gerrard Butler's face. Grizzled, unattractive, but somehow it keeps ending up in your bed.

6. Hot Tub Time Machine: Love is like John Cusack. When you were young, it was fantastic, but now the you're both older you realize that it plays the same character in every movie.

7. The Invention of Lying: Love is like lies. They are both necessary elements for any relationship.

8. Forgetting Sarah Marshall: Love is like a vampire puppet show.

9. The Princess Bride: Love is like iocane powder, take it in small doses everyday and one day when someone tries to give you a lethal dose, it doesn't kill you.

Perhaps most importantly, love is like a romantic comedy. It's great for about an hour and a half and usually ends in tears.

Veggiving-- a proposed holiday

2010-11-15T11:43:00.000-08:00

This is a serious proposal for the creation of an all Vegetarian Holiday, henceforth to be known as Veggiving.

Veggiving would take place in August (when summer vegetables are at their peak), and would celebrate the greatness of vegetables, the self-imposed redundancy of incisors, and the trendiness of superiority over weak-minded meat-eaters.

Dress:

Standard dress for such occasions would fall into three categories: 1) patchoulied flowing robes 2) garments that look like they were found in a dumpster but actually cost more than a whole cow or 3) yoga pants, venti Starbucks beverage (soy) and a newborn suckling at a bottle of organic formula from Whole Foods.

Food items:

When considering food items for Veggiving festivities, consider produce that has the following adjectives attached: "organic", "heirloom" or "locally grown". In fact, "locally grown organic heirloom" is preferable. Guilt-free meat-substitutes are also endorsed.

Activities:

Suggested activities include: 1) bobbing for cruelty-free cumquats 2) pin the tail on the recently-rescued animal sanctuary donkey 3) play I've Never Ever (a great way to gauge the depth of participants vegetarianism) NOTE: anyone who drinks after "I've never ever eaten Fois Gras" must immediately leave and will be banned from future Veggivings.

I realize any who read this proposal may consider why a self-proclaimed omnivore would be interested in creating a day solely for vegetarians?

Because you're ruining my favorite holidays.

Christmas isn't a celebration of Jesus' birth-- It's an excuse to sit around a large table and gorge yourself on meat you don't usually enjoy. It should be called "Meatmas". Easter isn't about Jesus' death and resurrection-- It's about ham. Thanksgiving, or "Thanksmeating" as it should be known, at least doesn't pretend it's not about meat. Thanksgiving was created because the pilgrims understood that meat is delicious and should be celebrated.

Veggiving, in addition to the celebration of vegetarianism, would mean that we omnivores could have at least one day a year free from the disapproving glances, self-important preaching and general chastising of vocal vegetarians and (still worse) vegans. With the inception of this new holiday, it would mean meat-eaters would no longer have to endure "Tofurkey", "veggie gravy", "veggie stuffing", or any other food item that should be meat that vegetarians (strangely) praise above the real thing. It would mean that never again will we have to listen on as that weird vegetarian cousin sits at the head of the table-- brussel sprouts piled high-- trying to convince twenty people with delicious meaty grease on their lips, that "meat is murder". Never again will concessions have to be made because "Aunt Jane's new boyfriend is a new-age vegetarian astrologer". It will ensure a safe environment for meat-eaters everywhere.

So take your day, vegetarians, and leave us disgusting, inhuman monsters alone with our carved turkeys, chickens, geese, ducks, and hams. We promise we won't ruin your new holiday-- we won't even show up.

When the internet fails...

2010-10-06T22:40:00.000-07:00

The internet is always a helpful friend when you're bored and alone. But let's say you're put in a situation where the internet is UNAVAILABLE. Breathe. I know. It's goddamned terrifying to consider. But sometimes it happens and we need to be prepared.

Here are some things you can do when you're bored and alone and don't have the internet:

1. You could read a book. Yes. A book. Made of paper. Pages. Two covers (front and back). Words. The things you used to have when you were a kid. Try to remember. If you can't find one, you should look at all your uneven furniture in the house. There is bound to be a book supporting a leg somewhere.

2. Do your nails. This is the classic symbol of boredom. It lets people know you're really really bored. Women always used to be doing their nails. If you're a dude, try peach. It compliments your masculine skin.

3. Masturbate. This is a fan favorite. Now I know this has become difficult without the internet, but sometimes if you imagine stuff (and yes, you can imagine things you've seen on the internet before, that's not breaking the rules), sometimes you can get aroused. If not, ask your neighbors for help! Try it!

4. Stare at stuff. Before the internet, people stared at stuff all the time. It was a favorite pasttime for thousands-- millions, even. I'd suggest a houseplant, some piece of furniture,-- the walls are never a good option-- a rotating fan is always good because it's quiet oscillations stimulate the mind.

5. Talk to yourself. This one is totally underrated among the "sane". Talking to yourself can be invigorating, hilarious, uplifting, moving, informative, and sometimes even earth-shattering. I changed my entire life earlier while talking to myself when I realized I was completely insane. Go figure!

6. Make stuff. Anything works here. Pies are always good, cause in addition to killing boredom, they are also delicious. You could make a fancy picture frame for a friend. Or you could make a little ornament for a non-denominational festive tree. Why not try making a list of demands from the hostage negotiator outside your house? It's fuuuunnn!

7. Most importantly-- when you're bored and you don't have the internet, you should try and fix the internet. Jiggle the cable. Turn the router off and on. Restart your computer. Call the guy from the place where the internet is beamed from and complain for a while about stuff (obviously include the fact that the internet is broken). Curse at it. Apologize to it for cursing at it. Curse at it again in a foreign language. Whatever works! Good luck!

eDissonance

2010-06-11T09:14:00.000-07:00

eDissonance.net is the new word in effortless dating!

Ever wonder if you'll ever find love? Ever dream of meeting the perfect man/woman to make your legal co-dependent? Ever shake your head after another failed date with Mr. or Mrs. Wrong and curse the heavens, shouting "Why me?!?!". Your dreaming, blaspheming days are over. Welcome to eDissonance.net.

The principle behind eDissonance is simple-- just tell us your worst qualities and we do the rest!

With our patented questionnaire, we discern how your emotional baggage can be perfectly matched with someone else's. You never have to worry again about the awkwardness of revealing to a new partner that you are "recently divorced", "have a carrot fetish", or "may kill the occasional hooker". All that is taken care of in our lengthy pre-screening process.

Questions like: "How many days a week do you struggle to get out of bed?", "Who do you think about while masturbating/fornicating?", "How many people have you maimed, if any?". The answers to these work to provide your potential mates with the honest information they need to begin a fulfilling relationship.

Don't believe it works? Here are some of our success stories:

Tim and Julie--

Tim: "Before I met Julie, I was concerned that my Oedipus complex would stand in the way of having a meaningful relationship."

Julie: "I like it when he calls me 'Mommy'."

Brenda and Chuck--

Brenda: "I used to secretly cut myself before I met Chuck. Now I can do it in the living room with no fear of being judged."

Jack and Yvonne--

Jack: "My ex-wife left me because of my jealous streak."

Yvonne: "It works out perfectly. I never leave the house due to crippling dependency issues."

Jack: "That's my girl!"

Thousands of singles just like you have found love on eDissonance.net. Start now for only $49.95 a week.

eDissonance.net-- If you can't find love here, you should should probably just kill yourself.

What the Internet Taught Me About Internet Dating

2010-03-23T23:36:00.000-07:00

Here are some tips for successful internet dating for men:

Profile Pictures:

1. Never wear a shirt in your profile pictures. Ever.

Women love a shirtless dude. Everyone knows this. It's even better if you take a picture of your shirtless self in a bathroom mirror with a Blackberry.

2. Always pose like a gangster.

Especially if you're white and weigh 123 pounds.

3. Hide the fact that you're most likely fat.

Secret fatty pictures are the key to internet dating. Once she meets you in person, it's too late!

4. If you're ugly, use a picture taken from a distance.

Or a picture in which you're standing behind something, or in a shadow, or beside someone uglier.

5. Post pictures of you and your ex.

Every girl wants to know immediately what they are stacked up against!

Initial Contact:

1. When messaging a prospective date, always start with "Hey Baby".

Continue with "Yer lookin sexy" and "Wanna chat?". If this proves ineffective, type things that you might say to a hooker on a street corner from behind your tinted windows.

2. Make sure you don't read her profile first.

If you read her profile, it will give her the impression you might have more than a fleeting interest when you comment on her information. Just looking at her pictures is the best jumping off point for contact. Women want men who are aloof.

3. Construct a generic message.

Send this message to every girl who you find remotely attractive. This will increase your chances. Hey, she may be at the bottom of the barrel, but at least she's got a pulse!

Constructing Your Profile:

1. Include special interests that women love.

These interests are not limited to "UFC", "Tapout", "Sexy Laydeees", "My Mother", "Dungeons and Dragons", "masturbation", "cutting", "porn", "cannibalism", "strippers", "being a fat asshole" and "faking entire relationships".

2. Make your profile as mediocre as possible.

Women love consistency. If you're consistently mediocre, women will flock to you!

3. Lie about the following:

i. Your real age, ii. Your profession, iii. Your marital status, iv. Your number of dependents, v. Your height, vi. Your ability to talk to humans face-to-face. The internet allows you to become ideal if you're less than that. Cover later.

Good luck, boys!

Post-Oscar teardown.

2010-03-07T21:19:00.000-08:00

One year is just about enough time to forget how much of a joke the Oscars are. By the time they come around again I start saying to myself, "OooOOoO! The Oscars! A fair, unbiased and entertaining analysis of what was great about Hollywood this year!"

But then, over the course of the evening, I hear words like "first female director nominee" and "first African-American director nominee" and I start puking in my mouth about how PC the Academy wishes it was. "See?" they say "We think women AND black people are valuable whatevers!" This was most aptly demonstrated by the close shots of all the "African-American" members of the audience upon Geoffrey Fletcher's win. It's as if they were saying "Look! Don't they look happy and proud that one of THEIR people won!" I wonder if the black people in the audience were colour-coded on the seating plan so the camera operators could find them quicker?

Seriously though, I'm really glad Gabourey Sinowhatevers didn't win the Oscar for being fat. She must be stress eating! She looks bigger than she did in Precious!

I'm also really glad that the Oscars proved to me (not that New Moon hadn't already given me enough of an indication) that Kristen Stewart is a fucking retard. She can't read a tele-prompter. She can't stand up straight. She has the stunned expression of Taylor Lautner and the acting talent of the mic stand she couldn't locate with her face.

The biggest cheese-off of the night was Kathryn Bigelow's win for best director AND best film for the Hurt Locker. The Hurt Locker falls into a special category of films for me: Films I Couldn't Sit Through. The ONLY other film in this category is "The Family Stone". The characters were so underdeveloped that I honestly couldn't have given two anal-fucks whether they got blown to smithereens or not (actually, I was kind of hoping the wussy one would so he would shut the fuck up). I would ask who's dick Kathryn Bigelow had to suck to get those honours, but the Academy is so PC, I'm sure that's a ridiculous accusation.

Based solely on tonight, these are the celebrities I'd like to be friends with: Maggie Gyllenhaal, Sandra Bullock, Merryl Streep (cause apparently EVERYONE loves her, so why shouldn't I?). I'd probably be friends with Peter Saarsgard, too, although there is something really seedy about that guy.

Based solely on my entire life (tonight included), these are the celebrities that I would allow to impregnate me/punch me in the face/verbally abuse me/marry me: Robert Downey Jr. That is all.

Throwback to my old Livejournal account...

2010-02-19T13:58:00.001-08:00

Schloss [Jul. 3rd, 2004|07:21 am]

Yesterday I worked for 14.5 hours straight... but that wasn't SO bad, because I worked at a Palace in the town that's next to mine (Aschbach) here in Germany. How many people can say they've catered at a Palace? Not too many.
The event was the 50th birthday party of the Baron who lives in the Palace. The place was incredible. It was built in the 1630's, and it kind of predates the Baroque and Rococo style of extreme opulence, so instead it was all stone and thick dark timber. The courtyard in which the party was held was amazingly beautiful, with ivy growing up the stone walls. Most of the palace and buildings around it look like they are in their original state. I think it's a cultural thing here to preserve what has been left behind (especially considering that so many palaces and old buildings were completely destroyed during the Second World War). These people (the Baron and Baroness) were incredibly nice, and the Baroness brought us out sandwiches and chocolate and cappucinos before the party began, making sure we weren't hungry or thirsty. And then she slipped me a 50 Euro note for my trouble.
In this part of the country, raising falcons is also quite popular. One of the workers took me up to the loft in which the falcons were kept and showed them to me. The building was filled with rats in cages, quails, and pigeons, which are all food for the falcons. Then I saw the falcons themselves. They were wonderful looking birds, so majestic and strong in appearance. And then the man pointed at one and said "That bird costs around 20 000 euros". And then he told me that they have an albino falcon that costs 60 000 euros" (about 100 000 Cdn). It was at the point that I realized "man! these people must be rich!" (the fact that they live in a palace didn't click before that).
So the party was actually a lot of fun, most people spoke english, so I got to chat it up. Although, most of them were fucking snobs, because they were all ridiculously rich. One lady (who I heard speak French, Spanish, English, German and Danish in a period of 10 minutes) told me that she lives on the coast in the south of Spain, but they also have a house in Switzerland that they visit in the summers.
It was really funny though, because as I looked around I thought to myself "why are all these women tall, blonde, slim, young and good looking?" and then I realized that their husbands were all fat, bald/grey haired, old, ugly, and extremely rich. And then it was all clear to me. Although, most of the women probably weren't that young, but rather, had tonnes of plastic surgery. Barbie looked more lifelike than some of the women I saw last night.
It was good though because I got to eat all the yummy food, and I was drinking all night, as I was bartending primarily. For dessert there were huge bowls of fresh fruit salad. I think I ate enough fruit to cover my vitamins for a week. There were bowls upon bowls of strawberries, and after everyone was finished, I ate strawberries until I wanted to vomit.

Being at that party I realized three things. The first: I hate fucking bourgeoise richies who look down on you if you don't have a falcon on each shoulder. The second: Money truly can't make you happy, as most of the people there were fake and bored. I've realized that happiness (for me, anyway) is going to be in realizing my dreams, seeing the world, and making those people who I really care about happy. That is what really matters in life.
The third thing I realized is that I want my own palace.

Imagination Game!

2010-02-01T13:09:00.001-08:00

Close your eyes.

Wait.

Read this first THEN close your eyes.

Let's imagine!

-- Imagine a good friend having an orgasm while terrified!

-- Imagine a large ape picking its own anus!

-- Imagine a large ape picking your friend's anus while they have a terrified orgasm!

Wasn't that fun?

Beer.

2010-01-31T04:13:00.000-08:00

Here are some facts about beer:

--I've spent a lot of time and energy trying to decide what horrific things Amsterdam Blonde smells and tastes like and I've narrowed it down to three:
1. Socks that have been in shoes for 36 or more hours.
2. Armpits
3. A bag of Cheetos that has been picked over by cats who just licked tuna out of a can they found in a dumpster.

--I'm not a huge fan of Amsterdam Blonde.

--When I go to the bar my first reflex is to order a bottle of 50, yet I would never consider buying a case of 50 from the beer store. This means I only have class in the privacy of my own home.

--The Widget (which gives canned and bottle beer its head as a result of liquid nitrogen forcing beer and gasses into the widget after sealing) was invented by Guinness. The word "widget" means "small device", possibly stemming from the words "which it". People are really elitist about draught Guinness.

-- The "Reinheitsgebot" (German Beer Purity Law) of 1516 dictates that in order for a beverage to be called "beer", it can contain only water, hops and barley. Penalty for not abiding by this law was the confiscation of said beer with no compensation. It's kinda like 2:45am when I wrench glasses out of people's hands.

--Women develop alcoholic liver disease after a comparatively shorter period of heavy drinking and at a lower level of daily drinking than men. This doesn't bode well for me. Or my liver. At all.

--1 in 25 deaths globally can be directly attributed to alcohol. This seems strange to me since beer has saved my life on numerous occasions.

--Beer is third most popular drink in the world after water and tea! This coincides with my list as well. I drink tea in the afternoon, beer at night and gallons of water the next morning.

--Try this sentence on everyone, all the time: "It would have been a good ___*your noun here*____, if there was beer". Example: "It would have been a good *child's birthday party*, if there was beer", "It would have been a good *criminal negligence hearing*, if there was beer", "It would have been a good *orgy with your significant other's parents*, if there was beer". Try it!!!

--Beer is my boyfriend. True story.

Bark

2010-01-15T13:39:00.000-08:00

She lay in bed, eyes focussing on the darkest corners of the room as if the key to sleep was somehow tucked away in their blackness.

The dog continued to bark.

For the last seven months the dog had barked. Every morning. From 1:30am until six.

Every break in its belling provoked the vain hope that perhaps it had choked on a sharp piece of bone (placed strategically by her under the back veranda on more than one occasion). Every moment of silence was not a relief from the insufferable yapping, but rather an invitation to await to next disturbance of the night air.

She sat up in bed, staring out the window at the beast. It looked up mockingly at her window and she almost fancied the creature winked at her, although she wasn’t sure if dogs even had the ability to wink (be it malicious or accidental).

The dog’s barking seemed to her to be directly focussed on her bedroom window. She could see the disruptive waves of sound emitting from the dogs throat, creating an almost mirage-like haze around the animal. Something had to be done.

She had been planning the dog’s murder for quite some time, although wasn’t yet decided on the appropriate method.
Shooting the thing with the air rifle she borrowed from her brother-in-law would prove the most satisfying, but of course, the neighbors-- its owners-- would begin to ask questions. Poisoning was a good option, but somehow the passive nature of the act didn’t fit the violence of the barks.
Drowning would be fun, but the chance of suffering some injury in the process seemed too imminent.

She couldn’t think. Every thought she had was punctuated by an infernal woof.

Almost without realizing her legs lifted her out of bed and she was at the stairs. Step, yap. Step, yap. Step, yap. She made a subconscious game of descending the stairs.

In the garage her fingers danced over the handle of the shovel. The backdoor seemed to open itself.

Here boy, she called softly before reaching her neighbors gate. The barking stopped as if the dog was in on some sick joke. The latch lifted. Inside, the barking had turned to a barely audible growl.

Here boy, she whispered. The dog approached slowly, comforted perhaps by familiar scents or sounds.

It walked up to her and sat with an arrogance that irked her more than the barking.

Before the beast could wag its tail thrice she had almost decapitated it with a swooping swing of the shovel.

It’s last noise, to her joy, was a weak whimper-- not a bark.

She suddenly grew very tired and realized she didn’t have the energy nor the desire to dispose of the corpse.

Finally I can get some sleep, she thought, and yawned as she shuffled back to bed.

Shrill screams were her alarm clock the next morning. She had a good day.

Being gay is A-OK.

2009-12-12T03:22:00.000-08:00

Tonight I served a lesbian couple at my bar. They ordered jalapeno poppers (a food enjoyed by straight and gay people alike). When I presented said poppers to them, they were kissing each other as couples in love do. I set down the food and walked away, wanting to give them a little PDA privacy (however contradictory that may seem).

On my way past them again, one of the women called me over and said the following: "When you gave us our food we were kissing". Being Canadian and having the inexplicable need to apologize for everything, I said: "Yeah, sorry about that". She responded with: "I'm sorry. Actually, I'm not going to apologize for being queer, but could I get some more sour cream?" What does being gay have to do with sour cream? Are these things linked in a way we straight people could never understand?

Now seriously. Come on. I didn't make any mention or gesture to indicate I was concerned with these women's sexual orientation, or that they were kissing at my bar. Why did she have to make the conversation about her sexuality? Why did she feel the need to tell me this when it's really none of my business? As far as I'm concerned, you can kiss your dog at the bar and it really has zero affect on me OR my life (unless you don't tip me, in which case, this profoundly affects both me AND my life).

It's like me announcing, unprovoked, that I wasn't going to apologize for being straight. Or having brown hair. Or liking jalapeno poppers. Imagine I walked up to every stranger I met and preempted every statement or question with: "I'm not going to apologize for liking jalapeno poppers!".

It's really nice you're in love, lady, and it's really nice you have someone to kiss. But don't flatter yourself into thinking these things affect my life at all, cause they just. don't. I don't care.

Sorry.

14 things I'd do if I were invisible.

2009-10-24T02:49:00.001-07:00

1. Watch people who talk in their sleep.
2. Walk around naked.
3. Move people's shit until they were convinced they were being haunted.
4. Haunt someone.
5. Steal booze, french fries, TVs-- basically anything I could get my invisible hands on.
6. Attend a live taping of "Steven and Chris" and not be concerned about being shown in the studio audience.
7. Touch people in their bathing suit areas.
8. Throw out my passport.
9. Never be alone thus circumventing my childhood fear of being by myself.
10. prank 73% more than I do now.
11. Go into the men's change room and see if the stories are really true.
12. Face my grade school bully.
13. Become an extra on "Ghost Whisperer"
14. Write a blog about how hip and now being invisible really is.

You need a license to own a dog/gun...

2009-10-22T03:07:00.000-07:00

but you don't need a license to eat at a restaurant.

If any of the following applies to you, you have not earned the right to eat in any establishment classier than mcdonald's.

1. You have asked a served "Do you know where the bathroom is"... dude, I fucking work here. Of course I know where the fucking bathroom is.

2. You have rearranged a server's entire section without asking. This isn't your bedroom, sweetheart, you can't position the furniture any way you like.

3. You have walked out. I've gotta pay for that out of pocket, you fuck.

4. You've responded to "Hi, how are you?" with "Vodka tonic" instead of "I'm well, thank you, and yourself?"

5. You've referred to your server as "beer wench".

6. You talk so quietly it's necessary for your server to lip read to get your order right. Unfortunately our American sign language classes are not compensated by the establishment.

7. You lack general social skills. I know it's scary, but it IS part of my job to approach and speak directly to you.

8. You ask to speak to the manager within seconds of sitting down.

9. You suck and don't know what tipping is.

10. You are annoying, generally retarded, idiotic, gormless, dull, or goddamned stupid. Stay home, please?

1 rule to smiting flabby stomach - OBEY

2009-10-21T11:13:00.000-07:00

Obey this one rule discovered by a mom at home to destroy your flabby belly:

1. Get Dysentery

Dysentery is a great and effective way to lose 10 to 20 pounds a week.

Completely safe and effective!

Be the thin person you always wanted to be with little or no effort!! Discovered by a mom at home! Obey!

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dysentery

Hallowe'en

2009-10-21T02:00:00.000-07:00

Hallowe'en time is the best time of the year. Not only is everyone feeling particularly ghoulish, there are lots of spooky things to do.

1. Scary Movies
2. Dressing up
3. Candy
4. Bobbing for apples
5. Pumpkin everythings
6. Orange and black
7. Haunted Houses
8. Costumes
9. Vampires
10. Zombies
11. Miscellaneous monsters/ogres
13. Scary stories told with a flashlight under the narrator's chin
14. Sneaking up on people
15. Fangs
16. "It was a dark and stormy night"
17. Edgar Allen Poe
18. Black cats
19. Full moons
20. Robert Pattinson
21. Invisibility
22. Laundry
23. Pick up Judith
24. Pointy hats
25. Ragged edges
26. PIrates
27. Blood
28. Massacres
29. General unease

Ok, I realized after I started writing the list that some of these things may, in fact, not be "things to do". Once I hit "Candy" I got distracted. Hallowe'en is awesome.

WARNING! You might DIE!

2009-10-19T14:34:00.001-07:00

IF YOU HAVE THE FOLLOWING SYMPTOMS....

you may have a severe case of the Alives and, as a result, may DIE in the next 40-70 years.

-breathing
-blinking
-hunger pangs
-sweating
-periods of being upright
-nightly 5-9 hour periods of unconsciousness
-thirst
-headache
-nausea
-bowel movements
-urination
-flatulence
-sounds emitted from the throat
-general alertness

EVEN IF YOU WASH YOUR HANDS you may DIE in the next 40-70 years of the Alives!!!!!!!!!!

Stay at home and watch the news if you're concerned about these symptoms.

"Oopsy Daisy" -- a script in progress

2009-10-18T09:11:00.000-07:00

I'm writing a new comedy about two people from different worlds coming together and laughing all the way.

She's an up-and-coming weather girl, he's a stoner loser with no prospects. Couldn't be more different, right?

One fateful night, our loveable hero meets the girl at a bar and for some reason (probably the booze, I haven't worked this part out yet), she doesn't find him repulsive. They sleep together!

A couple weeks later, she starts feeling pretty "weird" so she goes to the doctor to find out what's wrong. Sure enough, that fateful night was actually a fruitful night and TADA! she's preggo.

Then she calls the guy (why she even bothered to ask for his number, I've yet to crease out) and tells him the news over an awkward lunch date.

Then they go to the abortion clinic and she never speaks to him again. THE END.

It's a short film.

The Best

2009-10-10T16:22:00.000-07:00

Thanks to the bestie bestie who ever bested for making me a Bday Blog. Love and bussi's!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!!

2009-10-10T13:43:00.000-07:00

Tada!

Here is your birthday present!
A fabulous new blog I made just for you!
You may use it to write about good/terrible things, to post random bits of weirdies, and advertise all manner of events.

Go forth and share thyself with the world. :)
HAPPY BARFDAY!

Love, ME. (Tasha aka Tosha aka "The Worst One")